Not Another Random HP Parody
by antijuicy
Summary: Harry goes back to Hogwarts to find that everything has changed for the WORSE. Wildly insane people will like this. 'K, the mildly insane too. Insane as in a GOOD way, not thinking you're the reincarnation of John Lennon. But dammit, just read it anyway.
1. Insanity and PostIts

This story might turn out to have 1 chapter, or 10 chapters, or even 100(no, really). It all depends on how bored, how hyper, or how purple I am.

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NOTE. This is NOT a crossover of HP and Not Another Teenage Movie.**

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DISCLAIMER : If I did own Harry Potter, I wouldn't be sitting here agonizing because I lost a cheap plastic water bottle today in school.**

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Harry got off the train, very confused.

He hadn't seen Ron or Hermione.

In fact, he hadn't seen anyone on the train.

It had been just him on the Hogwarts Express and the trolley lady.

_How strange_, he reflected.

Hagrid met him at the entrance to the castle after the magical boats rowed him across the lonely Hogwarts lake.

"Harry! Yer' late!" He exclaimed.

"Late for what?" said Harry.

"Late for the permanent summer sleepover that Dumbledore declared." Said Hagrid.

"Huh? Dumbledore's dead!" said Harry, eyes wide with bewilderment.

"You really thought I was dead, Harry? After all the things we went through, you still weren't convinced I was immortal?" said Dumbledore, appearing behind Hagrid.

"But-but-Vol-Voldemort-" stuttered Harry.

"Voldemort? Oh, him!" said Dumbledore, giving an airy wave of his hand. "You mean Morty."

"Morty?"

Voldemort stalked up behind Dumbledore. He was wearing a jaunty party hat that said, HIP HIP HOORAY in big sparkly letters.

He was also wearing a sheepish grin.

"Dory here asked me to attend his permanent summer sleepover." He explained.

"Huh?" said Harry.

"We're pals, Morty, aren't we?" said Dumbledore, and the two of them put their arm over the other's shoulders and started to sing.

"_You've got a friend in me  
You've got a friend in me  
When the road looks rough ahead  
And you're miles and miles  
From your nice warm bed  
You just remember what your old pals said  
Boy, you've got a friend in me  
Yeah, you've got a friend in me"_

Harry started to slowly back away.

Then Ron ran towards him, shaking a pair of maracas.

"Money for the poor! Money for the poor!" he chanted, and started dancing the tango around him with Hermione, who had chopped off her hair with what looked like a pair of kitchen scissors and was wearing too much black eyeshadow.

Dumbledore, Voldemort and Hagrid stood and threw coins at them.

Harry ran away into the Great Hall, where everyone was having a food fight.

He espied Professor McGonagall's smushing an omelet into Snape's face.

He took his seat in a dark, shadowy corner where he wasn't likely to get hit by any flying food.

Just then Dumbledore stumbled into the Great Hall with Voldemort.

"Well, this is the first day of school. I declare a classless day! Also, there is no teacher supervision anywhere in the castle, so you are free to have as much sex, drugs, or violence as you want."

Cho Chang saw Harry and shrieked, "Everyone attack Harry!"

Everyone in the Hall rushed towards Harry.

Intimidated for a moment by the small army of black cloaks rushing towards him, Harry froze, then started running up to the Griffindor common room.

"Password?" said the Fat Lady, who was reading _How to Make Love Like a Porn Star_.

"Uh…uh…" said Harry. Behind him, the sound of stampeding animals was growing louder.

"Password?" said the Fat Lady, who was obviously getting annoyed by Harry's interruption and wanted to go back to her book.

"Ah, fuck." Said Harry and bashed the portrait in.

The Fat Lady shrieked and fled, leaving Harry free to get into the common room.

Unfortunately for Harry, this meant that anyone else was free to get into the common room, too.

A refrigerator sitting in front of the fire warming itself sprouted legs and ran away towards the advancing blood hungry students, crushing a luckless few as it went.

Just as Harry was starting to say his last prayer, Ron ran in front of the people and started shaking his maracas.

"Money for the Poor! Money for the Poor!" he said, and all the students gathered around him and sarted throwing dead hamsters.

Harry fled to his familiar four-poster bed upstairs and collapsed.

"You want a good time, honey?" cooed a lavishly made-up Ginny beside him.

"AAAAAAAAARGH!" shrieked Harry. "Not you too Ginny!"

He grabbed her and shook her violently. Evil looking claypost-its started to pour out of her ears.

Harry heaved Ginny into his arms, and threw her out the window.

"Well, that's taken care of." Said Harry, and sat down on his bed.

"What's wrong with Hogwarts?" Harry scratched his head, then suddenly fell back against the sheets, because the trolley lady had drugged him on purpose back in the Hogwarts Express.

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How did y'all like it? Flamers are welcome to flame.

If you have any suggestions for a new title, tell me please.

-Sammi


	2. Murder and Marmalade Jars

Yay! 5 reviews! I was expecting around three.

**Elbereth Gilthoniel **thanks for the review! Btw, I fixed the anonymous review thing.

**Christipotter **INSANE INSANE INSANE…aren't we all, darling?

**Mrs. Radcliffe 13** never thought it was that funny :)…nice warm feeling inside tummy

**HiPeoples001** Actually, I didn't dream it up, the first chapter is based on this really wacky day I had at school the same day I wrote it. Yeah. Thanks!

**Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer** thanks! You sounded like you were a bit surprised. Random sometimes does this to people. Ah well.

**

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DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter or his multiple Hogwarts buddies, lines from _the Godfather_, or places and characters from _Alice in Wonderland_. If you think so, you have the same IQ level as the average Mary Sue fanfic.** I do not own Harry Potter or his multiple Hogwarts buddies, lines from , or places and characters from . If you think so, you have the same IQ level as the average Mary Sue fanfic.

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Harry woke up and for a perfect second thought that Hogwarts was normal, and that he was late for History of Magic classes.

He soon realized, of course, that this was not the case.

Ron swanned into the dormitory and started to sing _Santa's Super Sleigh_.

Harry groaned and buried his head in his arms. Would Hogwarts never be the same?

He suddenly was struck by a fantastic idea.

_I could murder Dumbledore, and be headmaster of Hogwarts! Then I could make everything okay! _

Unfortunately for Harry, some of the new Hogwart's insaneness had started to rub off on him, because only the heavily deranged think with five exclamation marks in a row.

Inspired by his wonderful new idea, Harry jumped out of bed and ran to the Headmaster's room.

When the stone gargoyle refused to let him in without a password, Harry made it an offer it couldn't refuse.

Once in the Headmaster's room, Harry murdered Dumbledore and Voldemort, in a brief pause where the author conveniently forgets that Dumbledore proclaimed that he was immortal in the previous chapter.

Harry then turned on the Intercom system, also in a brief pause where the author also conveniently forgets that Hogwarts is not your typical boring muggle school, and therefore has no intercom.

"_Students, teachers and ghosts_," Harry said to the whole school. _"I have just killed Dumbledore and the Headmastership is now mine. Hogwarts is going back to normal. Please go back to whatever classes you are supposed to be going to now_."

Hardly a minute had passed when Professor McGonagall strode into the room, wearing a bright pink David Crockett hat and ugly electric blue slippers that made the sound of hippos wading whenever she took a step.

"Harry! This is an outrage!" said P. McGonagall.

"No, it isn't." said Harry. "And that's _Headmaster_ Harry to you."

"Headmaster Harry my…" said McGonagall, and then she remembered that she was supposed to be ancient and old-fashioned, so she said, "…underwear."

And even then she turned red.

There was a pause, which means that the author can't think of anything to write about at the moment.

Hermione and Draco strode in.

"Harry," said Hermione very seriously, "We were going to ask Professor Dumbledore if he could do this, but since he's dead now, we think that you should be the one to, because you're the headmaster now."  
"Okay." Said Harry. "What is it?"

"We want you to bless our first baby." Said Draco, giving him a screaming pink bundle.

"Her name is Princess." Said Hermione nervously.

"Oh." Said Harry, and threw the poor baby out the window, as he had done to Ginny the day before.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! MY BABY!" shrieked Hermione.

Draco stood there, shocked and silent.

Professor McGonagall fainted.

There was a banging on the door. Harry got up and answered it. Over a thousand angry students stood in front of him, holding pitchforks and burning torches, although it was nearly lunchtime and the sun was shining so hard the grass and trees were withering.

"Your money or your life!" said an angry Seamus Finnigan, waving his pitchfork in Harry's face.

"Oooh, life. No, money. Life. Money. Life. Money." said Harry, thinking hard and twiddling his fingers.

"Let's not give him a choice." said Goyle, miraculously being able to speak.

"YEAH!" cheered the students.

"Everyone hates me." Said Harry in a sulky way and threw himself out the window.

There was a stunned silence.

"What do we do now?" asked Cho Chang.

"We party." said a previously unknown character.

So they partied.

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry was having a very difficult time. He had fallen down a rabbit hole in the Hogwarts grounds, and was floating down the long well that Alice had gone through before she'd landed in Wonderland.

"What's this?" said Harry, picking a jar off a cupboard as he floated by.

It was labeled ORANGE MARMALADE.

Harry held the jar in his hands for a moment, then dropped the jar to see if he would kill anyone.

He was very disappointed when he didn't hear any fatal screams from below.

Suddenly, he landed on a walking picture frame. The picture frame shook him off and slapped him angrily for his intrusion on its daily meditation on the meaning of life. Then it waddled away.

Harry was now officially in Wonderland.

* * *

I am now trying to eat less chocolate, and the chocolate cookies I have laid out in front of me in the kitchen really aren't helping. I know I should put them away in a cupboard somewhere, but seeing if I can resist the pull of evil Gluttony is kind of fun, in a weird and…(failing to think of another word) weirder way. Still, how tempting…

Okay, that talk was just pointless. I don't know where it came from. Probably from my lack of sugar right now. Anyway, to all reviewers and reviewers-to-be, I grovel at your feet. And I've adopted a new policy called Tolerating Flamers, so flamers-to-be, I grovel at your feet as well.

I really did mean that.

-love, Sammi


	3. Roses and Chainsaws

I took a look at my review number and I nearly choked on my chocolate chip cookie(guess Evil Gluttony wins again…sob). 14 new reviews! This is so _wowza_…retarded saying, I know.

**Christipotter** I hope the 'weird' thing was meant as a compliment. Oh well. Hugs and kisses for the review!

**Kougaismyhomeboy **love your penname. Thanks!

**Ministry of Tragic** since Draco is running around Hogwarts- meh, can't give it away. All I can say is that you will _certainly_ be hearing more fatal screams in Chapter Four.

**MAD4magik** Im tempted not to write just so you can throw Snape out the window…but I consider myself a nice person. As you can see, because you're reading the damned chapter right now. –says to self…Duh. You stupidhead, Sammi.-

**HiPeoples001** That's one thing I CAN say, because Im eating one right now. Or used to be, before it disappeared. Now where could it have gone? –scratches head- -shrugs- Ah well, I'll just take another one…

**wildimagination **wowza…-shakes self-…really have got to stop saying that…in other words…(evil voice in head says wowza to torment rest of self) thanks!

**Elbereth Gilthoniel **hey…I know a good song…-jumps up on table singing _Living La Vida Loca_-

**Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer** Actually, the orange marmalade thing wasn't from me, it was in the book Alice in Wonderland. Still…UGH

**KillerBunnySlippers** okay people…we've got a wild one here! –shoves KillerBunnySlippers out of room- lol, jk. Didn't mean that. Pleased to meet a fellow crazy person! I shake you warmly by the hand! –extends hand- Shake?

**elephantsrocmysox** as with fellow reviewer Christipotter, I hope you meant the 'weird' thing in a good way. (evil voice in head: she didn't…you know she didn't…) –says to self…shut up- there. Now you really think I'm wierd, don't you?

**

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DISCLAIMER: I love Harry Potter and all the other wonderful wonderful wonderful characters of HP and Alice in Wonderland, but I don't own them. Life is such a (censored, begins with a B…then an I….then a T….then a C…guesses anyone?).**

A/N : Okay, I seriously don't know what's wrong with the disclaimer thing and the extra sentence under it in Chapter Two. I didn't add it! Creepy.

Also, the part where Harry thinks about killing Dumbledore and becoming headmaster is meant to have 5 exclamation marks, but, weirdly, this site doesn't allow more than one exclamation mark in a row in stories or reviews.

Anyway, on with the story.

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Harry wandered into a beautiful garden. It was full of flowers and stuff, things that Harry liked quite a lot.

He skipped through a knee-high patch of thornless roses, quite unaware of the "ouch!" and the "you bastard"s gathering in a tiny chorus beneath him.

Suddenly, Harry saw a sign. It said, JOB OFFER. Harry studied the sign and then walked on.

Then he saw…a caterpillar coming towards him! It was huge, or looked huge to Harry because he had just shrunk to two inches tall and the caterpillar was three inches tall.

"Who are you?" said the caterpillar in a voice that sounded a bit like Captain Blackadder.

"I'm Harry." said Harry.

"Oh." Said the caterpillar. "Horny, you say?"

"_Harry_." Said Harry.

"How pleasant to meet you, Horny." Said the caterpillar, and offered Harry one of his six hands.

There was a silence, as Harry thought about what he should do.

Then he said, "Pleased to meet you too, Mr Caterpillar. Is the job offer still open?"

"Job offer?" said the caterpillar. "Oh yes, it is still open. Do you want it?"

"Sure!" said Harry.

* * *

Ron was starting to get a little worried.

Ever since Draco had become the Headmaster of Hogwarts the first thing that Draco had done was ban Ron from shaking his maracas or beg for money.

Currently Draco was running around the school, performing a Hogwarts version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which was why Ron was starting to get a little worried.

"I must stop him!" he said to himself, because Ron was quite crazy, as were all the students of Hogwarts.

"But how?" he added.

"Ah! I've thought of something!" he said.

"What? What?" he said to himself.

"I shall kill him." He replied to himself.

"Ooooooh. Really?" Said Ron, to Ron.

"'Course I do. What did you think I meant, dumbass?" said Ron, to Ron.

* * *

Harry was painting the Queen's roses red.

"_Why?" he'd said to the caterpillar when it had told him what to do. _

"_It gets her angry." Said the caterpillar. "Very_, very_ angry."_

"_But won't that-"_

"_Silence!" the caterpillar had said. "You have a job to do, you know. Now off you go, Horny."_

Harry paused with half a white rose painted red, and wiped his sweaty brow.

There was a sudden trumpet blast, and a white rabbit with a golden pocket watch hurried in front of him.

"You have painted the roses red!" the rabbit proclaimed, holding a dramatic finger up into the air.

Forgive me for saying this, and it'll sound like I'm perverted, but it looked like he was having a full-body erection.

"The Queen must chop off your head!" the rabbit said, putting his dramatic finger to Harry's head and pushing him with it so Harry fell backwards on the floor.

Harry immediately stood back up on his feet and hit the rabbit on his head with his own trumpet.

The rabbit fell on the ground, stunned.

"Ah! He has dented the royal trumpet! Off with his head!" shrieked a huge woman who would have dwarfed Madame Maxime. Harry could only suppose that this was the Queen, because behind her drifted a banner held by nervous-looking playing cards. It said, ALL SUBJECTS MUST GIVE THE QUEEN A NICE PRESENT OR SHE WILL CHOP OFF THE SUBJECT'S HEAD.

"W-wait!" said Harry in a confused and dazed way. He stuck his hands in his pockets and rummaged around. He could only find a fake plastic lump of dog crap that he'd bought with Ron a year ago and had forgotten about.

Harry held out the plastic turd.

"A birthday present for your Majesty!" he tried to say in a humble voice, but it just came out as plain squeaky.

The Queen primly waved a hand, a playing card came forward and took the plastic dog crap, and it gave it to the Queen.

The Queen's face promptly began to turn red.

Harry made his last prayers.

Then the Queen burst into tears and held the plastic shit up to her face and rubbed her cheek against it.

"Oh, oh, oh." She sobbed.

The playing cards and Harry could only watch with amazement.

The Queen waved the turd around to all the cards around her.

"Doesn't this remind you of the Cheshire Cat? When he was around there were _always_ these things around. Don't you _remember_? Ah, _how_ I wish I'd preserved them! Oh, Chessie, Chessie, why did you_ leave_ me?"

And the Queen started to cry so hard there was a puddle around her and some of the playing cards nearest to her held out their umbrellas so they wouldn't get wet.

The Queen waved a tear-soaked hand to Harry, cradling the brown plastic lump to her body with the other.

"Take him away! Oh, give him whatever he wants! I shall sit on my throne with this on my head so that whenever I look in a mirror I shall remember…re….re…..remember….of my d….d….dear little….Che…Chessie Cat!"

A two of hearts and a five of clubs took Harry firmly by each arm and dragged him away to a clearing.

"Now, where do you want to go?" said the two of hearts.

"I want to go to Hogwarts." Said Harry.

"Shire?" said the five of clubs.

"Hogwarts." Said Harry, thinking that _Shire_ meant _Sire_.

"Shire! Oh_, there_." Said the two of hearts.

And they gave him a pill.

Harry looked at it.

The two of hearts said, "What are you waiting for?"

Harry took the pill and swallowed it.

The next thing he knew, he was in a grassy meadow full of little lumpy houses.

The only thing Harry was sure about now was that he was definitely not at Hogwarts.

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Okay, now that I think about it, the thing with the Queen was sorta stupid.

Ah well, I'll just leave it.

It takes up space and makes the chapter longer anyway.

A bear hug for every reviewer!

And under the policy of Tolerating Flamers: a bear hug for every flamer!

Haha.

-Sammi


	4. Hobbits and Weapons of Mass Destruction

Yay! 5 new reviews. I'm in review heaven. insane smile on face

**Christipotter **I accept your congratulations. Thankee!

**wildimagination -**sheepish grin- thanks!

**Ministry of Tragic** In this fic, all the characters except for the original Harry Potter ones know him as Horny. lol thanks!

**BeaQue **nah, it wasn't crap. Yes, and Ron does kill him. Thanks a buch :D

**elephantsrocmysox **yup thanks! And I will. Keep updating, I mean.

**

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Disclaimer: yeah, yeah, get on with the story.**

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Ron stood triumphant on top of Draco's motionless, dead body. He held a smashed chainsaw in one hand, a bloody wand in the other.

The students gathered around him by the thousands.

They loved him.

They needed him.

They would do whatever he did.

This was a very dangerous situation.

And what does Ron go and do?

He raises his arm forward.

Sticks a fake cowhair toothbrush mustache on his upper lip.

Barks, "Heil Hitler!"

* * *

Harry, meanwhile, was unaware of the terrible, terrible danger Hogwarts was in, perhaps because he was quite unblamably concerned with other things.

He could see a sign right in front of him. It said, THE SHIRE.

He saw a figure come towards him. It wasn't tall. It came up to his waist.

"Um…sir?" said the figure, and I don't need to describe him because you probably already know who he is…

"Frodo?" said Harry.

"Sir! How did you know my name?" said Frodo, jumping and looking very suspiciously at Harry.

"I just do." Said Harry. "Actually, everyone back in the Muggle world probably does! At least half the world must've seen the movie the Lord of the Rings!"

"Huh?" said Frodo.

"For example." Said Harry. "I know that your uncle's called Bilbo, your closest friend is Sam, the two annoying hobbits that act just like Fred and George-"

Frodo went pale.

"-are called Merry and Pippin, and you went on a fantastic epic adventure with them and Gandalf the wizard to stop Sauron-"

Frodo went even paler.

"-Lord of the Rings, with Aragorn. Legolas, Gimli, etc. etc-ooh, I can't remember any more-"

Frodo fainted.

* * *

The first thing that Ron had done when he became Headmaster of New Nazi Hogwarts was make all the muggle-borns and half-muggle people jump off a cliff, because Ron was the supreme divine holy incarnation of Hitler, and people loved him.

_A/N: that was mean. But I wanted to do something to demonstrate how evil the OOC Ron had become, so…couldn't help it!_

The next thing he'd done was burn down half of the Hogwarts library. Oh, how Hermione'd wept.

The third thing he'd done was admit a danci-

"Sir!" Crabbe stepped inside the room and saluted. "An army of sheep are approaching the castle! We must surrender!"

Ron whirled around and shot Crabbe. BANG.

"Never say surrender, Corporal. You knew that." He said coldly to Crabbe's death stare.

Then he looked out the window. Sheep were advancing from every direction possible. They had machine guns, tanks, regular bombs, weapons of mass destruction, cherry bombs, grenades, mustard gas, chlorine, phosgene, sarin, hydrogen cyanide, anthrax, guided missiles, napalm, VX, tabun, soman, lewisite, tear gas, GF, tomahawks, camping axes, throwing knives, spears, pizza cutters, machetes, bows and arrows, laser guns, lightsabres, pepper sprays, agent 15, phosgene oxmine, arsine, Novichok agents, fighter airplanes, cannons, and of course good old (BOOM) dynamite.

Sheep believe in the Boy Scout Motto.

Hordes and hordes moved on. The sheep had angry expressions on their normally placid faces. Their scratchy wool bristled with hate. Their tails switched back and forth.

Ron stared in horror as the beautiful rolling green hills that were the landscape of Hogwarts were covered in mounds of sheep shit.

Ew…

Ron ran to his desk and grabbed his emergency survival plan, a huge white flag. He threw it out the window.

"I surrender!" he shouted.

Hundreds of thousands of sheep were unanimous in their bleating.

One sheep got drunk and jumped over a cliff.

Then all the sheep ran away and jumped over a cliff.

A fisherman on the sea was unsticking from his net his latest catch when he heard an ominous _ga-dump ga-dump ga-dump ga-dump._

* * *

He looked over his head to see something that he would later tell his ugly grandchildren.

Sheep were flying from the cliff in huge masses.

They were bleating happily. They had expressions of unholy bliss on their plain sheepish faces.

Splash.

Splash.

Splash.

The fisherman stood from a safe distance until all the happy suicidal sheep had disappeared into the sea's murky depths. Then he went home.

* * *

I have a bad feeling this chapter wasn't really that funny.

Reviewers, reassure me!

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Heya! I have this new fic here, it's called _Carmen_, it's a horror story, PLEASE check it out and tell me if I should keep on writing horror or not.

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And flamers, reassure me!...or maybe not _reassure_…maybe it should be _unassure_…ah well, got to keep up the traditions…

Love,

-Sammi


	5. InterludexxxOur Heroes Have Too Much Fun

It's been a long time since I updated by my standards. I'm very sawy. Yeah, yeah I know, I sound like a demented six year old trying to sound cute.  
Anyway, cheers to my reviewers! 4 chapters so far and no (actual) flames! This must be a record. 

**jontie** here. I HAVE updated. Now will you stop trying to make me feel guilty? -guffaw- jk. I love it when you do because you (nearly) always actually DO make me feel guilty.

**Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer** thanks! XP

**Christipotter** -thinks of a real Ron in a real Hitler position- -shudders- you're right. Anyway, thanks!

**Freja** the sympathetic psychotherapist thing was a JOKE. I mean, a JOKE. If I really did need a psychotherapist, I wouldn't even be writing this story, I'd be locked up in some hospital with a very cheerful name like The Happy Clown Mental Facility. Although I really don't need to write this because as you have said, you won't be reading much of this anymore. But thanks for the good luck thing.

**The Miss Marauders** the throwing people out of windows thing? I really should make that into a running joke, if not an inside one. Then we could joke about it in reviews and other people would be like, "huh?" jk, I detest inside jokes because I'm never in on them. People never tell me anything! WAAAAAH! Oh yeah, here's a hug back! -hug- :)

**Elbereth Gilthoniel** lol! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks!

**Puer2 **yup, I'm working on making the chapters longer but long chapters have never been my strongest point. I always run out of ideas before the third page. How depressing. But thankee for the review!

**Ministry of Tragic** hey, I love sheep too! GO SHEEP LOVERS! But they're not my fave animal, that has to be the kiwi bird. Still. GO SHEEP LOVERS!

**J Daisy** you are NOT a hypocrite. Thanks for the…wassa word? Oh yeah, constructive criticism on the Hitler thing. I adore honest opinions. No, really.

**Kougaismyhomeboy** actually, I'm not an Inuyasha fan. -weeps on Kougaismyhomeboy's shoulder- I've just never gotten into that stuff. But thanks!

**inuxkagfan **Happy Birthday to Pepptio. :D That's so cute! I mean the pencil birthday thing. And I've updated in a week so HA! No horrible deaths for me.

**The Future Mrs. Grint** at first I thought you were a flamer and my stomach went -crash- in my chest. But then I discovered that you weren't and I was very happy. -cracks grin- thanks!

* * *

_WARNING :_ Ok this chapter isn't really a chapter at all, it's a short interlude in which Harry and his multiple buddies sing a cheery song, push people out of windows, and have lots of fun. Let the interlude begin.

**DISCLAIMER:** Harry, his multiple buddies, or the song Do-Re-Mi do not belong to me. Please don't sue me.

* * *

Harry was driving along in his car (don't ask me why, this is a RANDOM story) and it was raining.

A deer suddenly crossed the road. Its mild blank eyes looked at him for a second then passed on to more interesting things, such as making more deer.

Harry could hear singing from the back of the car. Hmmmm? What was that? It sounded like, lalalalalalalalalala-  
G

inny leapt into the back seat and sang,  
"DO!"

Hermione, Ron and Percy sat in a row beside her and chanted merrily, "A deer, a female deer"

Ginny leapt out of the car and sun started to shine. "RAY!"

The trio behind her shook their pompoms and chanted, "a drop of golden soooooon"

Harry sang along, under his breath.

"MI!" Ginny exclaimed, and threw Snape out of a high turret.

Hermione, Ron and Percy swayed to the beat. "A name, I call myself"

"FA!" Ginny grabbed Harry and ran off with him into the distance.

The three people behind ran after her, holding hands. "A long long way to"  
Dumbledore, Hagrid and purple rabbits popped out of bushes and sang,  
"RUN RUN RUN RUN"

"SO!" exclaimed Ginny, and tossed Percy out the window.

"A needle pulling threeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaad-" sand Percy as he fell.

CRASH.

"LA!" sang Ginny, looking out the window.

"A note to follow SO SO SO SO" sang Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, Hagrid and the purple rabbits.

"TI!" shouted Ginny, grabbing the purple rabbits and throwing them out the window one by one. The rabbits seemed to like it.  
"A drink of jam and breeeeaad" they sang in their squeaky little voices as they plummeted towards the ground.

"That will bring us back to-" chirped Ginny and pointed to the rest of the people, who shouted,

"DO!"  
Harry sang. "A deer, a female deer"

"RE!"  
Hermione sang. "A drop of golden soooooon"

"MI!"  
Hagrid sang. "A name, I call myself"

"FA!"  
The dead purple rabbits sang. "A long long way to RUUUUUUUUUN"

"SO!"  
Ron sang. "A needle pulling threeeeeeeead"  
He sounded a bit like Michael Jackson.

"LA!"  
Dumbledore sang. "A note to follow"

"SO so SO so" squeaked the rabbits happily.

"TI!"  
Snape sang, dancing with the deer, who was clapping its hoofs to the beat, "A drink of jam and breeeeeeeaaaaaaaad"

Everyone sang, put their arms over each other's shoulders and did the traditional Russian dance.  
"And that will bring us back to"

"DO!"

"RE"

"MI"

"FA"

"SO"

"LA"

"TI"

"DO!Remifasolati"

"Do! So, do!" sang Harry, Harry's buddies, Snape, Percy, and the purple mutant rabbits.

The music stopped.

Everyone took a bow.

Then the curtain went down.

END OF INTERLUDE…ONE

* * *

Was that really okay? Especially the purple mutant rabbits and how Ginny threw them out the window? Would that count as Cruelty To Animals and earn me a lecture session with the RSPCA?  
And is the whole interlude idea "disruptive"?  
Please tell.

Love,  
-Sammi


	6. Rubber Duckies and Evil Clowns

**elephantroxmysox** J Daisy told me that the Hilter thing was not a great idea. She was right. I'm sorry about that. But yeah. -GASP- the evil virus of doom is spreading! Everyone get away from her! Nah, jk. -pleasant smile-

**inuxkagfan** actually, this story is going to take a long time to end but no worries! YAY!

**jontie** yeah, good point about the animals. But the POOR LITTLE PANDAS, -sob- AND THE CUTE LITTLE BABY SEALS, -sob- AND THE- okay, I'll stop.

**The Miss Marauders** yay! Throwing People Out of Windows Is Fun! Hurray! -grins- yes, Percy did need to be thrown out of a window. HAHA!

**J Daisy** yay! Long Review! Actually, I _have_ seen the movie It, and read the book as well. It was…freaky. Let me just say, very, very freaky. You gave me lots of nice new ideas for future chapters, like the Woody Allen thing, and the horrible Ron thing, and the It thing is in this chappie anyway…but LOL thanks!

**

* * *

Disclaimer : MUAHAHAHAHAHA!**

* * *

Ron was in his bathtub, taking a bath with his rubber duckie. No bad images intended.

He was currently back to normal again, thank god.

But it was not to be. As Ron floated his rubber duckie on the surface of the bathtub water, he heard a voice.

_Rooooooooon………  
Roooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiieee………_

Ron jumped and looked around.

"How strange," he said to his rubber duckie. "There's nobody here, but someone's certainly talking to me."

_You idiot, it's me. I'm the one talking to you._

Ron was still looking around when the shout came, almost literally slapping him in the face with its power.

_IT'S ME! YOUR FRICKING RUBBER DUCKIE!_

"Ohhhhhh." said Ron, taking a good look at his duck.  
It was yellow.  
It had an orange beak.  
It had shiny black eyes.  
It didn't look alive.

_Oho, but I am, Ron._

"Really?" said Ron, holding his duck up to eye level.

_Of course, Ron. And I'll tell you everything you need to know to dominate the world…_

* * *

Harry and Hermione were making finger puppets for Dobby when Ron rushed in.

"Ron? Are you okay?" said Hermione.

"YES! HEHEHEHEHE!" shrieked Ron in a hysterical voice. "My rubber duckie has taught me the secrets of evil world domination and I intend to use it! HEHEHEHEHE!"

"Oh, no. Not another one." said Harry and looked sideways at Hermione.

"You sure you still got Frodo locked up?"

"Yeah, I'm more sure of that than I'm sure that dumplings have tentacles."

"Is that sarcasm?" said Harry.

"No. Why do you ask? Dumplings do have tentacles, don't they?"

* * *

Meanwhile Ron was fighting a shocked Neville on the stairs leading to the dormitories.

"Take that! And…take THAT!" said Ron enthusiastically, waving his  
plastic sword to and fro.

Neville stood against the wall and said dreamily, "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Hey, I'm the one that's pretending to be Michael Jackson!" Ron said, and whacked poor Neville on the forehead.

* * *

Harry and Hermione stood in the kitchens.

Tiny house elves were offering them a platter of dumplings with tentacles.

"That looks delicious! CHOMP CHOMP" Hermione gobbled them up.

The tentacles were still wriggling when they went down her throat.

"Ewwww, that's icky." said Harry.

Ron came hurtling into the room, dressed in a clown suit with evil looking orange pompoms instead of buttons.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!" he said, waving multicolored balloons in the air.  
"Now I must go down gutters and scare five year old children with my humongous fake fangs, because that is the easiest way for quick world domination."

He jumped down a sewer and was gone.

There was a shocked silence.

Then the house elves got into a rebellious mood for no reason and threw Harry and Hermione out the window.

"Well, this is just ducky." said Harry, with twigs in his hair from the tree that they'd landed on.

"AAAAAAAAH! You said the D WORD!" shrieked Hermione, and threw him out of the tree.

Fortunately, Harry landed on a soft bush.  
Unfortunately, Frodo was standing beside it with Draco's old chainsaw.

"The voice in my head! It speaks!" said Frodo in a tone of the blessed.

"What does it say?" said Harry, too tired of his multiple random adventures in this fanfic to run away.

"It says, the chainsaw must eat buttercups, where it will find the holy organization of the world of coffee mugs." said Frodo.

"What does that mean?" said Harry.

"I don't know, but I'm going to kill you anyway." said Frodo.

Suddenly Draco came running from the distance and did an ultra-secret-super-powerful ninja move on Frodo, who disappeared to some strange parallel universe where all canon characters go when they're not needed for a scene the author is looking forward to writing.

"Suddenly, I think I'm gay." said Harry.

"Suddenly, I think I'm gay too." said Draco.

And you know the rest, they kissed, had sex in the bush, had tons of babies, and so on, and so on.

* * *

Ron decided that lying in a heap of turd was not going to aid his quest of world domination, whatever his rubber duckie told him.

He got up and brushed is clown suit off.

But was that… he could hear Sugarplum fairy music!

Ron rushed towards the sound.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!" screamed It. "You have walked right into my trap! Obey my weird laws of the land of Evil Clown!"

"Ooooh, I'm so scared." said Ron, and ran away. "You'll never catch ME, I'm the gingerbread man!"

It sat down on a nearby pile of turd and cried Its heart out.  
"Nobody loves me." It sobbed.  
"I love you!" said Ginny, appearing from around the corner.

"Awwww, really?" said It.

"Nah, not really." said Ginny. "You're ugly, you have big yellow teeth, you have bad breath, you wear a tasteless clown suit all the time except for when you morph into a werewolf or a huge disgusting bug, and oh yeah, you murder tons of innocent children too."

She threw It out the window.

* * *

Okay, this might be the last chapter for a week or two now because on Thursday I'm going to...Stockholm and Copenhagen! For my vacation! Whoopee! (author considers possibility of some obnoxious in-your-face taunting, then decides against it)

So I might not update for a while. -sad face-

But pleeeeeeeze keep the reviews up! -happy face-

-Sammi


	7. Graffiti and Hyperactive Fangirls

Hello peoples! I'm back! Sweden and Denmark were very fine indeed, although I think I'm boasting right now. And I love all my reviewers to a million bits! (notice I said reviewers, not readers who don't review but like this crazy stuff I'm spouting anyway.)

**tre-chan** thanks for the good vacation part! w00t!

**The Miss Marauders** 'It' is an evil spirit thingy that haunts the town of Derry in a book and movie called 'It,' for some reason that the author and the scriptwriter never bother to explain. It seems to prefer clown form when showing itself to small children for some reason that the author and the scriptwriter never bother to explain. It (the movie/book, not the actual 'It'…) were fab, btw. SEE IT!

**inuxkagfan** oh dear, another crazy chainsaw fan. JK! Thanks for the review :) and I probably am going to drag this along for a long time, because I adore reviews too much.

**elephantsrocmysox** …maybe. I'm not sure! I might be, and I might not be!…who knows?

**The Future Mrs. Grint** -tears springing into eyes- really? You'll never flame me? I kiss your feet with undrainable gratitude!

**Ministry of Tragic** ' "I assume it was a pet.."' bad images spring to mind. And it's kind of strange how many people are afraid of clowns. (I'm included in this unhappy group)

**outcastx3-xox** thanks! XP

**Kougaismyhomeboy** you can't love me? How sad. Ah well. -gorges on toast- and btw, reading that song, I nearly laughed aloud in a hotel lobby and almost got dirty looks for disturbing the holy peace. Shame on you!

**xBeautifulLetDownx **Really think it's well written? Really and truly? Have some of the wonderful toast Kougaismyhomeboy gave me!

**KillerBunnYslippers** you made me laugh very hard. And I agree with the gouging-out-eyes-Ron-bathtub thing. But Hogwarts is MINE I tell you! MINE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And I torture my dad too (not with spikes and axes, too much work). It's awesome. I do feel sorry for my dad sometimes, because he really doesn't deserve it.

**jontie** yes, vacations ARE and excuse, lavish-life living pig! Jk. You are most definitely not a pig.

Maybe I should cut the reviews in story thing and just send all you guys messages instead, because they're starting to get as long as the chapters.

But anyway. On with the story!

**

* * *

**

**No offence to hillbillies. Or camera-happy tourists.**

Harry, Hermione and Ron went on vacation. Never mind why.

…Actually Harry and Hermione wanted Ron to take a vacation with them because his rubber duckie was starting to get on their nerves.

Anyway they decided to go to Copenhagen in a car. Never mind how.

So they slept in a small but nice motel and tried to go to sleep despite the noises coming from the room on their right that sounded like the occupants were humping, and the noises coming from the room on their left that sounded like the occupants were snoring.

The next day they woke up to find that the car had been graffitied by punks with a spray can and too much leisure time on their hands.

"I can't figure out what it says." said Harry.

"For some reason, the issue of the pair of boobs with wings disturbs me more than what the slogan next to it says." said Hermione.

"The chainsaw will sleep in the valley of Late Night Shower, where it will wake up the next morning with Grumpy Wrinkles and Bad Hair." said Ron, who had adopted the Frodo Way of life.

A dancing hillbilly alligator waltzed its way onto the scene.

"Our comrades shall never fall!" squealed Frodo enthusiastically, taking Ron by his chainsaw and dancing away with him and the hillbilly alligator.

"I thought you were supposed to be MY friend, Won Won!" shrieked Harry and dragged himself after them.

Hermione promptly started to run after them as well, screaming, "Won Won! i luv u sooooooooo much baby!"

Suddenly Dobby ran up to them and squeaked, "Oh sir, there's a riot over in the park next to the Little Mermaid Statue sir, oh sir! You must go see it!"

"Okay!" said Harry and ran to the Little Mermaid Statue. Frodo, Ron, Hermione, and the dancing hillbilly alligator followed him for no reason.

At the Little Mermaid Statue, it was obvious that someone had charmed it to walk, talk and act like a normal human being, despite the fact that the statue was made out of bronze, copper, stone, or a mix of all three and it had no clothes on.

"Ah! My wonderful, wonderful savior!" she sighed dramatically as Ron walked up to her.

"Huh?" said Ron.

The Little Mermaid Statue put its hand on Ron's shoulder. There was a pause where everyone stopped talking.

Of course, there always is the one person that isn't listening.

WON WON! GET AWA FORM TEH STA2 MERMED, ITS GETTIN ON MY FRIKKIN NERSV!1! shrieked Hermione, not even bothering to speak in parenthesis, oblivious to the silence and the little clicking sounds of camera-happy tourists taking pictures like their lives depended on it.

"I love you, Eric!" sighed the Mermaid and jumped with Ron into the sea.

Harry was tut-tutting from a safe distance nearby, for example where Hermione couldn't vent her fangirl post-breakup angst on him instead of Ron.

"Another crazy pairing!" he said despairingly. "What will those crazy fanfiction writers think of next?"

OMGOMGOMG1!1! Screamed Hermione, oblivious to the camera-happy tourists taking picture after picture of a fangirl having violent post-breakup angst, i.e., herself. RON JUST LYK BROK UP WIT ME N WNET OFF WIT A MERMAD MAD OF STONE!1! I TINKH IM GONNA KILL MYSELF!1

And she slit her wrists and dove into the sea, but noone really cared about her by then because camera-happy tourists have the memory space of a gameshow audience.

* * *

Draco sat in the headmaster's chair and crossed his arms, so whoever looked at him from the opposite side of where he was sitting could appreciate the fact that he was cutting a very fine Winston Churchill pose indeed.

"I'm back!" he announced to the uncaring world in general.

Outside the room, Hedwig tossed herself out of the window because she was secretly in love with Voldemort, Pansy Parkinson, and the ever-popular Easter Bunny.

* * *

Well hello again. It's me, Sammi, in case you haven't forgotten.

GAH! Love reviews and reviewers. I think I've dropped the tolerating flamers thing because there doesn't seem to be any, thank God.

Update may or may not be made sometime during this week, because my mom is getting grouchy about me hogging the one computer all the time.

Teehee.

-Yours truly,  
Sammi


	8. Bill Clinton and Pregnancy

**J Daisy** I agree. What a slut! And what was that about the priest getting roused during the…? Yeah. Thanks for the review! And nice weather here, too. :)

**HiPeoples001** I've seriously thought about it, and have decided to take your advice. Thank you for the plot unsticker.

**Jab843 **thanks for the criticism. Although I won't be doing a sex scene for personal reasons. PERV! Jk, jk.

**KillerBunnySlippers** gasp! A flamer! OMGITHINKIMLYKGONNADIE!1! And yup, I was making fun of the netspeak thing. No comment about the knocking people down from buildings.

**elephantrocmysox** thanks! XD

**Emmz** INTERLUDE LOVERS PRIDE! Jk. No, PURPLE bunnies are the bomb, man. Like, they're jiggysome! Yeah, jk about that too. AJFIAW;JUIEQFEWJKL;TEIK! I'm hyper. Can you tell?

**Inuxkagfan** -hug- I love my reviewers.

**The Miss Marauders** the windows make a brief appearance in this one, more will be coming later. HAHA!

* * *

Harry, Hermione, Ron, Frodo, and the chainsaw came back to Hogwarts to find that Malfoy was the new headmaster.

"But you can't do this!" squeaked Frodo as Draco tauntingly dangled them over the windowsill with a piece of rope.

"Yes I can." replied Draco. " 'cos I'm the reincarnation of Bill Clinton and I'm entitled to have a position of authority, a wrinkly wife, my own private jet and daily blowjobs by twenty-year-olds!"

He danced around the Headmaster's room with glee.

"But Bill Clinton isn't dead yet." said Hermione, the know-it-all.

"Who cares?" snapped Draco.

"I care!" boomed Bill Clinton, strode into the room and threw Draco out the window.

"Oh MrClintonMrClintonMrClinton!" squealed Ron, the Bill Worshipper. There's always one in every group. "Oh pleasepleaseplease may I have your autograph?"

"I'm sorry, Mr Weasel," said Bill Clinton. "But I have to go get my daily blowjob by a twenty-year-old now. She's very punctual, you know!"

He dashed out of the room.

There was a silence. This means, as I've told you, that the author can't think of anything to say.

Then Errol flew into the room, accomplished his 007-worthy mission of delivering a letter, and exploded in a feathery, muffled sort of POOF.

Ron opened it.

"Awww, that's so sweet Harry!" he said, poring over it. "Lookit, Hedwig's getting married!"

"Huh?" said Harry.

_Dear Ron, _

_You are invited to Hedwig, Voldemort, and the Easter Bunny's wedding next Monday. Bring presents or you die. _

_-Love, from Insanely!Weird!Fanficion!Pairings!WeddingManager Company_

Hermione had stiffened up at the mention of 'getting married.'

"By the way, Ron," she said acidly, "You might want to consider signing up at this wedding manager company too."

"Hmmm? Why?" said Ron, oblivious to the atmosphere in the room that would've sunk like iron if it had been any heavier.

"Green candelabras turn me on! Teehee!" squealed Frodo, and the atmosphere sunk, and the air sunk, and the oxygen sunk, and so our heroes died from lack of oxygen and ended up in heaven, where they were forced to reconsume their conversation once again.

Errol flew into the room, accomplished his 007-worthy mission of delivering a letter, and exploded in a feathery, muffled sort of POOF.

Ron opened it.

"Awww, that's so sweet Harry!" he said, poring over it. "Lookit, Hedwig's getting married!"

"Huh?" said Harry.

_Dear Ron, _

_You are invited to Hedwig, Voldemort, and the Easter Bunny's wedding next Monday. Bring presents or you die. _

_-Love, from Insanely!Weird!Fanficion!Pairings!WeddingManager Company_

Hermione had stiffened up at the mention of 'getting married.'

"By the way, Ron," she said acidly, "You might want to consider signing up at this wedding manager company too."

"Hmmm? Why?" said Ron, oblivious to the atmosphere in the room that would've sunk like iron if the conversation had taken place on Earth as it was meant to.

Hermione burst into tears.

"R-r-ron!" she gulped. "You (gasp) _made me_ (sniff)_ pregnant!"_

There was a collective gasp from Frodo, Harry, and Ron.

"But w-worst of a(gasp)ll," Hermione said, pointing a vindictive finger at the innocent-looking rubber duck, "I'm hav-v-(sniff, gasp)ing _its child too!"_

Frodo and Harry glared at Ron and the rubber duck, who started to say,

"No! No! It wasn't my fault! I'm only evil! Please! _She_ wanted to!"

But it was quickly impaled on a spiky fence along with Ron, but couldn't die, because this was heaven after all, and so the Hell customs department had to make a special allowance for Ron and the duck to enter directly from Heaven to Hell, for the second time since the death of Elvis Presley.

But meanwhile, back in Heaven, Hermione had given birth to her child…

Let us say, in very simple terms, that it was not your average wailing human baby.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

* * *

When I say 'thanks! (insert random happy emoticon here)' I don't mean that your review wasn't worth the time it took you to write it, btw. It means that I really liked it, I just couldn't think of anything to say. Nobody cares? -gasping sobs- THE WORLD HATES ME!

-Love,  
Sammi


	9. Essays and Mass Group Orgies

**Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer** thanks :)

**Mrs. Radcliffe 13** neither am I. How extraordinary.

**Jab843** the duck was EVIL, he HAD to be impaled. HA!

**elephantsrocmysox **thanks XP

**xBeautifulLetDownx** I used your idea for the beginning of this. Thanks!

**J Daisy** actually, he does. Isn't that surprising? And I used your idea, ifyoudontmind.

**Kougaismyhomeboy **thanks :D And some toast does come in on this. Sorry, no evil twins tho. The nudity I'm not that sure about…

**Christipotter **yup thanks XD

**The Miss Marauders** thanks!

**Ministry of Tragic** lol, happy meals. Thanks ;)

**yanni **thanks!

**Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer's sis** yay thanks!

**HiPeoples001** hazel smoke? Ooooookay then! Lol.

**Amanda Halliwell** not on drugs…unlike normal people I get sick of sugar after awhile…the thing I'm on…it's salt. YES, IT'S TRUE PEOPLE! You CAN get high on salt!

* * *

Thanks to** xBeautifulLetDownx**, **J Daisy,** and **Kougaismyhomeboy **for ideas. Let the madness begin!

By the way, I've given up on disclaimers. Too much time to think up and write.

* * *

Hermione was in unending grief for the tragic demise of Ron and the rubber duckie, despite the fact that she'd called them nasty things that you wouldn't ever embroider on a cushion only a chapter before. However, this is the strange way fanfiction works.

Anyway, she had to go to the wedding even though she was dressed in black and was pretending to mourn better than a twenty something gold digger whose nintysomething, appallingly rich husband has just snuffed it.

Just because.

* * *

Hedwig, Voldemort and the Easter Bunny were nearly getting to the part where they had to kiss and say "I do" when Ron suddenly burst in, crying, "NOOOOOOO don't do this Easter Bunny! I LUUUUUUUURVE you SOOOOOO much!"

There was a shocked silence, and as I've told you about three times before, this means that the author cannot think of anything to write.

Then Ron started carrying on about his and the Easter Bunny's various escapades, the Easter Bunny kept saying 'shush' but he wouldn't listen, and just as he was getting to a part where he described in very graphic terms how he had pleasured the Bunny in a train toilet, Elvis Presley (who was the minister, and had controlled himself nicely during the ceremony by Hermione who had told him not to wiggle) threw a bottle of Jack Daniels at him. Ron fainted, and Fred and George carried him somberly out of the wedding hall.

* * *

As for Hermione/Ron/the rubber duck's son, let us just say that he was voted 'person most likely to be picked on at junior high.' Of course, this little prophecy turned out to be right.

Hermione sat anxiously in Mrs. Etchintwier's classroom. Mrs. Etchintwierher was her son's English teacher. For the purposes of the chapter the setting has been moved from Heaven to Earth.

"Marigold's essays are not very satisfactory." sniffed Mrs. Etchintwier.

Hermione had always had a taste in exotic names.

"Marigold? Essays? How?" said Hermione, cluelessly.

Mrs. Etchintwier drew out a sheet of paper and showed it to Hermione.

"I had them write an essay about 'our president.'" I'm afraid this was what he came up with.

_Our President  
By Marigold Weasly-Granger-Duckie_

_George Bush is our president. George Bush has a pointy nose. George Bush comes from Texas. His family comes from Texas. A lot of people make fun of him because he comes from Texas. George Bush has pointy ears. _

Hermione said, "oh."

* * *

She sat in her bedroom, sipping a cup of orange marmalade and thinking about Marigold's latest essay on the subject of foreign leaders : _"Tony Blair wears pink ties. Tony Blair said, The sky is falling. Tony Blair said, "The sky is falling. The sky is falling."_ when Harry came in with Hedwig.

"Guess what, Mia!" said Harry enthusiastically.

"You know I said I'd kill you if you called me that one more time, Harry-"

"Awwww, loosen up, Mia!" said Harry. "Hedwig and I are going to be married!"

Hermione said, "but wasn't she married to Voldemort?"

"Yeah, she was, but she caught him in the closet with Sirius."

Hermione said, "oh."

Ron and the rubber duckie suddenly came out of the vanity mirror and said in a ghosty, spooky way, "We want our banana nut muffins."

Ginny rushed into the room and squealed, "I'm a bee! I'm a bee!" and she started to buzz around the room and was only persuaded to go out when Hermione threw a daisy out the window.

Hermione said, "Why is everyone gathering in my bedroom?"

"Didn't you know, Hermione?" Albus Dumledore said, rising up from the floor in a totally clichéd ghost entrance. "We're going to have a mass group orgy and your nine year old son Marigold is going to come and watch! Won't that be fun?"

Gandalf strode in, yelled, "TOAST!" and ran back out.

Frodo ran into the room. "Who wants to learn the Way of the Frodian Chainsaw?"

"ME! ME!" squeaked several house elves.

"The time has come," Frodo said, "To talk of many things:  
Of shoes-and ships-and sealing-wax-  
Of cabbages-and kings-  
And why the sea is boiling hot-  
And whether pigs have wings."

And he led them out into the garden where he massacred the unfortunate elves with the chainsaw.

Draco walked into the room. "I'm depressed." he said. "My mom sooooooo does not understand me, my dad sooooooo does not understand me, he whips me and locks me in the basement with centipedes crawling up my bare back and dresses me in loincloths, I used to be in love with Winky and now she's lying dead in the garden."

Nobody was listening, but Draco went on anyway: "There's no butter in the refrigerator, all the roses have wilted, angels are crying blood in my backyard and nobody understands me."

Nobody was listening, but Draco went on anyway: "The world is full of hate and discrimination, annoying people come to the door of my house to ask for money for Tsunami Aid and it's sooooooo annoying but I have to do it because my dad makes me because he soooooo does not understand me and if I don't he'll make me pound my feet to a bloody mess with a brick."

Then Draco slit his wrists and died, and everyone partied. And had the mass group orgy, although Hermione didn't participate. Marigold watched in fascination.

* * *

The next day Hermione, sick to death of being a goody-goody mother who always did things right, decided to make a brothel in Hogwarts with the Easter Bunny, Professor McGonogall, and a perky volunteer broomstick.

Just as they were getting to the dirty part of the description of an R-rated poster for the perky volunteer broomstick's benefit, Marigold barged in, and yelled, "Yo, ma! Check it, yo! Dis guy wanna be a gangsta rappa yo! I be pumpin' all de beeyotches like deyah no tomorrow YO, me rhymes like drizzle-fo-shizzle dum brizzle ma wizzle be on de top of dat chart YO!"

There was a silence, and the Easter Bunny said to Hermione, "He means that he wants to be a rapper."

"Like his pappa da Pipa, yo!" said Marigold enthusiastically.

* * *

For the essay thing, I have to give credit to the author of _We Need to Talk About Kevin_, I forgot her name, anyway, wonderful book, you should read it.

-Love,  
Sammi


	10. The Romanovs and Evil Happy Meal Toys

Wow. Over a hundred reviews! -splits face grinning- whoops, there goes face…

Anyway. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my reviewers, ALL of them! Thanks a heapful to you all!

And if you're reading this but haven't reviewed yet, if you review, I shall give you toast! (leftover of course, but it's the feeling that counts)

**inuxkagfan** haha, I am. Lol. Thanks for reviewing! Your fortune for today: you will be attacked by a savage two-headed freak, who will make you be bestfriends4eva! with him unless you play several mind-bogglingly boring games of checkers on his head.

**The Miss Marauders** -shakes head- yes, yes. Poor daisy. But it went to the hospital afterward, met a beautiful lady daisy nurse, got married and lived happily ever after. So that's good.

**Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer** …okay then, what are the other three? Your fortune for today: Pigs will squeal with delight if you sing. They will come in endless hordes and bounce up and down on your bed forever unless you spray them with toilet cleaner. Your fortune is complete. -bows-

**J Daisy** I thank thee, wonderful devoted reader of Carmen! And yup, if someone said that to me in a regular conversation I'd be pretty freaked out too. (which means that I am normal?) Hermione is in love with Draco. Haha, no idea why, but anyways. Thank you, fangirl! Bring on another rant!

**galleena** I never thought of the flamer-acceptance-flamers-not-reviewing thing. And the lemon juice! -glugglugglug- I shall now read your fortune. You will go to wonderful places, like the mall, and you will be dumped by a ten-toed sloth after a mad and passionate fling with a humpbacked old zebra. -bows- Your fortune is complete!

**jontie** IDEA STEALER! And as you said too, jk, jk. I will read your fortune. You will be trampled to death by a chihuahua-dinosaur-lizard-monster thing if you set a step outside after reading this today! Ahem. -pleasant smile-

**Ajariel the Bloody** yay! Same sense of humor person found! -does found-same-sense-of-humor-person dance- And don't worry. I'll review for you!

**Puer2** tell what is missing, please. Otherwise this is what will happen to you!…you will be force-fed a McDonalds trayful of plain tofu. Yes, I'm serious! No, I'm not.

**KillerBunnYslippers** -GASP- really? Really? -grabs KillerBunnYslippers's shirt and weeps horrendously on it- It was very nice of you to give an honest review though, yes. Yes. Your fortune: you will be hit on the head by a flying bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo and a flying orangutan with silver angel wings will throw it away for you. Lesson of the day: you must NEVER, EVER litter.

**Mrs. Radcliffe 13** -grins- yeah. Fortune of the day: you will be sucked into your computer where you will be force-fed a mountain of spinach. Tut-tut.

**xBeautifulLetDownx **YES! THANK YOU! Story idea, I mean. Your fortune told! You will be kidnapped by Sammi, also known as Bunny With Bad Acupuncture, who will make you sit in front of her desk and write out endless ideas for new chapters. Muahahahahaha. And Days of Our Lives, ugh.

**elephantsrocmysox **The bestest essay writer eva! LOL. A fortune (yours) told: you will follow the Way of the Frodian Chainsaw (which doesn't feature in this chapter by the way) and become a Most Holiest And Saintest Monk of the Wooden Cowboy Plains.

**Ministry of Tragic** thank you! For the Evil Happy Meal Toys idea. Your fortune for the day: you will be abducted by Evil Happy Meal Toys and forced to sit with them and chat about stuff such as the weather and how nice the butterflies look lately. (a bit like chatting with a boring grandma. Torture, I have angry scars to prove it)

**Christipotter** thank you! Now, your fortune will be: you will be trapped in an elevator with a stranger, who will turn out to be Marigold, and he will fall in LYKOMGthiSiSsOlykSUPASPESHULLEGENDRYLUVAT1STSIHGT! with you and you will lead him on and laugh haughtily from a safe distance.

**Super E-man** lol. Your fortune for today: you will be buried by a pile of courageous sheep, who will lead you to a huge and glamorous fortune and you will marry one of them. Lol. Haha, jk.

**

* * *

Thank you to xBeautifulLetDownx and Ministry of Tragic for ideas for a hard-to-write chapter. :)**

**No offence meant to black people by the gangsta rap thing (I hate gangsta rap. Grrrr.) or to Chinese people by the Made In China thing. Let us set sail!**

* * *

Harry skipped down the street, singing a happy song.

"How do you do and shake hands, shake hands, shake hands, oh how do you do and shake hands, state your name and business…"

Harry stopped to smell some beautiful roses, which was very unusual and couldn't happen in real life anyway, because it was mid-December.

"I'm the happiest, most cheeriest person in the whole wide world!" he crowed to the uncaring universe in general.

Draco stepped in front of him. "I am the Crown Princess Anastasia, last of the Romanovs! Obey, lowly slave!"

Harry offered him a hand. "How do you do and shake hands, shake hands, shake hands, oh how do you do and shake hands, state your name and business!"

Draco looked at it, took out a laser gun and beamed his hand away.

Harry looked at his stump of an arm. "Ooooh, red stuff is coming out of where my hand used to be! WOW. I wonder what it tastes like…"

He put his arm in his mouth and started sucking away.

"WOW! Man, this tastes just like good old mercury!"

Hermione walked down the road and saw Draco and Harry.

"I am Anastasia, last of the noble-blooded Romanovs! Bow to me!" commanded Draco.

"I saw you yesterday in the brothel, you were crying. Why were you crying, Draco?"

Draco started to sniff and sputter. "I cried because you reminded me of my former wife who died in pregnancy, and I kept thinking about her, I couldn't stop, her death was soooo sad…and you reminded me of her, you look just like her from your nutmeg eyes and chestnut hair…"

Harry piped up, arm midway to mouth. "But you murdered her in cold blood!"

"Shut up, lowly slave." snapped Draco, and beamed his head away.

Harry squeaked. "I'm a chicken! I'm a chicken!"

He ran away into the bushes where he encountered Ginny who still thought she was a bee, made mad and passionate love with her, and she had thousands of babies which she miraculously brought into the world in two seconds at the same time.

However, contrary to the popular Hollywood-style ending of soppy fanfiction, the chicken-bee family were eaten by a horde of man-eating sheep who were passing by on their way to the moon to make a massacre of the little green men.

"You murdered Harry!" shrieked Hermione, then she put an arm around his waist and kissed him affectionately.

(a Moment of Sanity: since when has Hermione made a habit of going around kissing malicious blond boys affectionately on the cheek?)

"I luv yoo, honeykins."

Draco kissed her back and murmured, "I luvs yoo too, pumpkinpie."

Hermione gasped audibly. "Pumpkin! You called me pumpkin!"

Her voice shrank away into nothing as she turned into a pumpkin in front of Draco's eyes.

Marigold came down the street. "Wassup yo ma, dis boy's gonna go get dat motherfucking tube of stuff to ice da grill!" (translation: I'm going to go get some toothpaste.)

And he ran away.

Draco, having nothing better else to do, began to sing. "Raindrops on roses and whhhhhhiiiiiskers on kittens, brrrrright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens…"

A girl came up and sang with him. "Brrrrown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite thiiiiiiiiiiings…."

"Who are you?" said Draco.

"DADDY IT'S ME!" the girl screamed, and threw her arms around Draco's neck. "IT'S YOUR DAUGHTER PRINCESS!"

"LYKOMGPRINCESSURSOLYK_GROWNUP_!" exclaimed Draco, who has suddenly learned how to speak in chat language.

"LYK_OMGDADDY_ITHOUGHTuH8tEdMe!" screamed Princess.

"Awww. How could I ever hate a sweet little baby like you." said Draco, and put his hand on her bum. (A/N:…EW.)

"Suddenly, this does not seem quite right to me." said Princess.

Then Marigold came down the lane-

A chorus of grandfather clocks popped up from the bushes and sang.

"OH do you know the muffin man the muffin man the muffin man oh do you know the muffin man who lives on Dury Lane?"

"OH yes I know the muffin man the muffin man the muffin man oh do you know the muffin man who lives on Dury Lane." sang Marigold, voice suddenly transforming from twenty-first century gangsta to fourteenth century Church choirboy.

Marigold's eyes were suddenly drawn to a new and wonderful sight. The beloved of his dreams!

"LYKOMGOMGOMG!" he shrieked. "LYKOMGthiSiSsOlykSUPASPESHULLEGENDRYLUVAT1STSIHGT!"

He took Princess in his arms and sang a wonderful and heart-touching ballad which caused trees to shed their leaves and stones (rocks, but stones sound more touchy-feely-romantic-DAHLINGILUVU) to shed tears of, amazingly, H2O.

"Baby  
Baby I love you  
You are the only one for me  
Baby you are the only one for me  
Baby  
I love you  
Baby you are the only one for me"

Hermione popped up from nowhere and hit Marigold with a cane.

"Stop that this minute!" she snapped. "She's at least five chapters younger than you, and anyway, you're practically her brother!"

"Half." corrected Marigold.

"omgurLYKsoSMORTmArIgOlD!" exclaimed Princess. "u no so maneelongwOrDzz!"

"ATTACK OF THE EVIL HAPPY MEAL TOYS!" screamed a random character.

My Little Pony made a quick lunch of Marigold, while Nemo and his various affiliates tortured Draco with their Made-In-China flippers and Action Man made Princess slit her wrists and Hermione killed herself.

So there were no people left in the world except for the Evil Happy Meal Toys, because in bad fanfiction the only characters in the world (i.e. the story) are the important (i.e. pOpULr) characters.

Not that this is bad fanfiction, of course.

-looks around at empty room-

IS'NT IT?

Anyways, gotta finish the chapter.

So yeah, with nobody left in it, the Evil Happy Meal Toys took over the world and made it fat.

* * *

BUT THIS WAS NOT THE END!

Lol. Review and stay in touch for the revenge of the Canon characters, including Marigold and Princess, against the Evil Happy Meal Toys, who have taken over the world.

-Love,  
Sammi


	11. Canon Characters Strike Back and Etc

Yay! Reviews!

**Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer** I pity your children. No false gangstas at my school, thank God, but quite a few of them are Snoop Dogg wannabes, which is basically the same thing? Anyway McDonalds is evil, but their French Fries are wonderful. :)

**galleena **whoopee thanks!

**Ministry of Tragic** hooray for happy-family-mcdonalds-outing-terrorists! But not actual terrorists. Actual terrorists are nasty and should be sent to my French class, which is one of the many equivalents of hell.

**KillerBunnYslippers** ew. Harry fried chicken? Who would eat that? -imagination goes crazy- About my wallet…it doesn't have any money in it so ha! Your birthday's July 22nd? Sweet. Mine's tomorrow. May 5th! HOORAY! Three cheers for me.

**The Miss Marauders** isn't that so weird? Thanks!

**inuxkagfan** yay review! Thanks XP

**Christipotter** aww. Are you ok? Your hip I mean. I feel responsible, which is why I'm checking. See? I'm a nice person.

**Mrs. Radcliffe 13** -smile- thanks!

**elephantsrocmysox **YAY! I'm an awesome person. Good luck on the monk of the wooden cowboy plains thing.

**HumorLuvinGurl **reincarnation is real! -does hooray-for-reincarnation dance-

**Batamanda** -smug smile- I love being worshipped.

**xBeautifulLetdownx** I love how you manage to remember the minor characters and then remake them into a plot, 'cos I always manage to forget them. Thanks!

**RoxyLeo** BEAVER POWER! Remind me about the pony cult and the astronomy tower idea, I'm going to use them in the next chapter because they rock. :D

* * *

Credit for the chapter idea goes to **xBeautifulLetdownx.** Applause!

* * *

The Evil Happy Meal toys were busy cruel and unnecessary experiments on Neville's toad when scary music suddenly played in the background. 

DA-DA-DUM!

The canon HP characters were back from the dead with the help of supaspeshul!Powers, which of course includes the ability to escape from the clutches of morality. Muahahahahaha.

The Evil Happy Meal toys backed up against the wall. The canon HP characters advanced up to them in an evil way.

But suddenly the Evil Happy Meal toys gained the supaspeshul!Powers that the canon characters had for no apparent reason, and they were just about to win when…

(scary background music)

DA-DA-DUM!

The chicken-bee children, the offspring of Harry and Ginny, were back from the stomachs of the man-eating sheep! They had the little green men on the moon for their slaves, and they devoured the Evil Happy Meal Toys.

Just because.

Then all the HP characters broke into McDonalds, ate fast food for a year, and got very fat. Except for Draco, who is of course the Sex God of the HP world and cannot get fat.

So Draco, who is evil, used the other characters' fatness to rule the world, never mind how, and everyone was happy until LIPOSUCTION! came along.

So everyone got thin again and murdered Draco, and put his head on a stick and paraded it around the world, because that's what freedom fighters are SUPPOSED to do after they've murdered the Grand High Evil Bastard that they were fighting against. Duh.

So everything was back to normal, or as normal as the Fanfiction world can be, which actually isn't that normal, but hell, who cares.

* * *

MILDLY SANE BIT 

One day Ron borrowed a video from the local video rental store and brought it back home.

"What's that?" said Harry.

"It's an exciting video."

"Oh." said Harry, who knew Ron very well and so did not need to ask him in what way the video was exciting.

Ginny walked into the room. "Is that porn?" she said, pointing to the video.

"Yeah." said Ron, and popped it into the video player.

A commentator's voice could be heard. You know the commentator from the beginning of the 2005 movie of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Yeah, it was like that.

_"Our company provides its clients with the best bottles in the world…"_

"Huh?" said Ron.

A picture of plastic bottles being made on a conveyor belt came onto the screen.

_"This is the conveyor belt on which the latest Duo Plastic Laminator Machines are used…"_

"This is your idea of exciting?"

"No! I asked the video cashier person which video he thought was the most racy and obscene, and-"

"Who was the video cashier person?"

"Dobby."

There was a silence, and the two watched the video in silence for the next 15 minutes.

_"Our factory makes plastic bottles 24 hours a day, every day, except for Christmas and Midsummer's Eve…"_

"So Dobby's idea of a good porn movie is a plastic bottle factory advert video?"

"Guess so."

Ron switched the TV to television.

Marigold ran into the room. "Yo mamma be da hottest pussy in da motherfucking world, yo!"

"That doesn't make sense." Ron told him.

"So?" said Marigold. "Me rhymes be da haWACK yo, dis beeyotches of dis motherfucking country be bling-bling up deyre money fo dis shizzle gangsta yo!"

"What? You've got an album out?" said Harry.

Winky walked into the room, squeaked, "I need a curly perm!" and walked back out.

Hermione walked in. "lyk, DUH, course he duz, cuz lyk mie home gurls n me went 2 da ceedee store yestRday 2 buy teh noo 50cent cd n ginevra went lyk OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! Lyk OMG mia ur son has lyk a noo cd out! SO lyk I lookd n I was lyk OMG but y is his naime Dippety D? Lyk hell dis is not mie son! N ginevra was lyk heck it iz mia! So I saw dat it WAZ! N im lyk bout too faynt rite now! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!"

And she fainted.

Ginny walked in. "What she means is, Marigold is a real rapper now and his name is Dippety D. He has a new album out. See?"

She showed everyone. Ron decided to buy it right there and then just for the cover picture, which was the most exciting thing he'd ever seen.

Ginny said, "See? It's called 'Munny, Secks, Thugstaz, and Wummenzz.' Doesn't it sound so good?"

The listeners were unable to distinguish whether Ginny meant to be sarcastic or not.

She went over and put the CD on the player.

"The title track is called, 'Dippety D Duz Da Derrrrty Deed.'"

The track came on. It had a boppy beat and featured Marigold saying nothing but

DIPPETY DIPPETY DIPPETY D! DIPPETY DIPPETY DIPPETY D! DIPPETY DIPPETY DIPPETY D!

Over and over again.

But of course the world is warped, Marigold became a star overnight, became a billionaire, and had his own reality show on MTV.

* * *

MILDLY CRAZY BIT 

Ron was a beggar. He sang, _'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer' _for a living, and of course nobody gave him money because it was only May.

Ron had an idea. "I shall go and saw off Hermione's head!"

Hermione came along and gave Ron some money.

Ron sawed off her head.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" shrieked Hermione. "MY HEAAAAAAAAD!"

She ran around in circles until a passing airplane pilot took pity on her and threw her down a well.

Harry walked towards Ron. "We have decided that you are the new King of the World. Everyone praise Ron!"

Everyone praised Ron.

Dumbledore walked by. He was wearing a bright red fleece jacket.

"Look at my bright red fleece jacket! It's new and is 100 percent recycled soda bottles!"

But then everyone saw Dippety D, aka Marigold, to Dumbledore's right, and trampled him to the floor in their hurry to get to him and ask him what color underwear he wore.

"What color underwear do you wear?" Fred asked Dippety D.

Dippety D thought for a moment.

"None!" he said proudly, and showed everyone.

Quite a few people felt sick.

Colin Creevey came up and tapped Harry on the shoulder.

"I wear pink Speedos for underwear." he said shyly.

Harry waved him away, which led Colin to commit suicide with several grieving aardvarks, who had lost their brothers in a mass murder by a renegade stork.

* * *

And I can't think of any more, I think I have writer's block and my nose is starting to itch for no reason at all. 

That one wasn't very good, wasn't it?

I'm sad.

And by the way, the plastic bottle video is real, all the lines are real, I watched it in DT today. It sucked.

-Love,  
Sammi


	12. Romantic Songs and Ghost Possession

**Jontie** gah, how can I not make fun of rap? Lol. Sorry. And thanks for the nice comment about it being the best random story on the site.

**Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer** well, I twisted the left one in the middle of PE, god knows how, and I twisted the other one going down the stairs (they were really steep!) to the changing room. And about a week later I twisted the right one going down a downwards hill. Maybe I should go to an acupuncturist or something.

**The Miss Marauders** yippee, yippee. Thank you for the chapter idea thingy.

**RoxyLeo** wow. I really needed that idea because I can't think of anything to write, GAH! Thank you so much. I kiss you fondly on your feet. (I'm not going to really do it, ew. No offence to your feet.) …ah. Wish you luck on the root canal thing if you haven't had it done already. And I twisted my other ankle the second time going down the stairs to the changing room after PE. My PE teacher looked unjustifiably annoyed. :D

**KillerBunnYslippers** Have I told you I hate the happy birthday song? Especially with creepy background music. Lol. Jk. (but I really wasn't kidding and you should know that for when I climb into your bedroom with a chainsaw in my hands and an evil grin on my face…anyway my birthday's happened like a month ago and nobody cares now. –weeps hysterically- whoops, I got your shirt wet for like, the second time…or is it the first? Anyway thanks for the review!

**Christipotter** you're welcome. :) a pickle on a stick!

**Mrs. Radcliffe 13** why, thank you!

**Inuxkagfan** really? I didn't know that. Hmm. How strange. –writes it down on a piece of notepaper and forgets about it- thanks for the review!

**BeBopALula** who doesn't hate Hitler? Except for of course those neo Nazi skinhead people but we do know that they're warped and crazy, aha, no offence meant to any of you skinheads out there, haha, I really did mean that.

**Picturesque Grave** lol. Actually people tell me that in real life too, except they don't mention the helping to break out of a mental institution thing. Hmm. I wonder why.

**Radioactive Penguins** thank you:D :D :D :D

Ok this hasn't been updated in like, AGES and I guess nobody will want to read. –cries in a corner- Anyway the story must go on.

**

* * *

DISCLAIMER: Credits for ideas go to RoxyLeo and the Miss Marauders. The song 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' does not belong to me. Neither do the characters of Harry Potter.**

* * *

Frodo was in love. Awww. With Ginny. Awww.

So they were singing. Awww. Because they loved each other. Awww. In the tower. Aww.

Frodo looked romantically into Ginny's romantically big baby bonny blue eyes, which were romantically smudged with tragic black mascara, which meant that Ginny was romantically in love with Frodo, romantically.

Frodo started up a romantically wonderful song, which pondered on the romantic aspects of romantically beautiful romantic love.

"_Somewheeeeeeeeere over the rainbow  
Way up high,  
There's a laaaaaand that I heard of  
Once in a lullaby."_

Ginny romantically looked up into Frodo's romantically beautiful romantic brown hair, romantically closed her romantic eyes, and romantically sang a song.

"_Somewheeeeeeeereeeeeehhheee overrrr the rrrrrrrraaaaaainbow  
Skies are bluuuuuuuuuue,  
And the dreams that you dare to dreeeeeeeeam  
Really do come true."_

Hermione came screaming into the Tower.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" she screamed. "I CAN SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"

She tore out tufts of her unromantic bushy hair, and screamed some more.

"Shh, we're having a romantic moment." Said Frodo impatiently.

Suddenly Dumbledore's ghost came shooting out of Hermione. It was not a pleasant sight to see.

"Let us dance…the peanut dance!" he said, and danced with Hermione. The peanut dance was a romantic dance, so everyone danced.

Then Dumbledore threw Hermione off the window, and everyone was happy, especially Marigold and Princess because she was their mother.

Marigold decided something. He said, "I shall be the next Doctor Phil."

**CONTINUED IN A DOUBLE BILL OF NARP IN CHAPTER 13**


	13. Dr Phil and A Sad and Pathetic Case

**A double bill of NARP! The first part is in chapter 12. Disclaimer. I do not own Dr Phil.**

* * *

Marigold sat proudly on his couch; he was Dr Phil!

A couple came onto the stage. They were…da-da-dum! Draco and Hermione.

"I thought you were dead." Said Dr Marigold to Hermione.

Hermione burst into tears, and the audience threw carrots at her, because she was a carrot girl.

"Anyway, what is your problem?" said Dr Marigold to Draco.

"She's a mudblood."

"So?"

"I don't like mudbloods."

"Why did you marry her then?" said Dr Marigold patiently.

"Because I don't like mudbloods. And everyone keeps telling me I'm racist."

"You're not racist! You're...you're..."

Dr Marigold looked briefly into his notes. "I think you have attention deficit disorder, and schizoid syndrome, and dementia, and anorexia, and emontially depressive disorder, and dyslexia, and hypomanical mental disorder. You may go home."

And then they went home.

"..and now we shall look into the sad and pathetic case of Harry and Draco." Said Marigold.

"What's wrong with them?" said the audience.

"They're dead." Said Marigold.

* * *

_Harry was sitting alone. Alone because he was a LOSER!_

_Ron and Hermione were zombies. They had married separate broccoli people and were currently touring the world to educate ignorants on the benefits of eating broccoli. (of course, they didn't eat their partners, but that's beside the point.)_

_Harry wanted company. So, he'd commissioned some Fanfiction authors to give him what he wanted. However, he had no idea what kind of consequences this would have on his near future._

_A girl came around the corner. Harry's eyes lit up. A GIRL! He hadn't seen one for so long ever since the whole world had decided that he was A LOSER!_

_Ah, but this GIRL! Was no ordinary GIRL! She had waist length black hair, flashing blue and silver eyes that you could tell went red when she was angry, curves in all of the right places, and a face that would force the supermodels of the world to mass retire in shame. Yes, this was a very special GIRL!_

_Harry felt something stir inside him. Perhaps this was OMGTRULUV!_

_"You are the most ravishing person I have ever seen." He said to the girl. "Pleasepleaseplease let me marry you."_

_"Of course." Said the girl. "I knew you'd want to marry me because I'm Serena Ella Elizabeth Ellen Narina Silvertooth Marine Hawkeye Ravenclaw, and I'm perfect."_

_Ordinarily an ordinary person would begin to harbor some doubts by this point, but this would imply sanity, and the characters here are all fanfiction._

_Harry then had twentyfour children by Serena Ella Elizabeth Ellen Narina Silvertooth Marine Hawkeye Ravenclaw, or Serine for short because the author can't bother memorizing the whole damn name, but then who should come along but DRACO MALFOY!_

_They had a gigantic enormous bitchfight over Serine because each of them thought they were in OMGTRLUUV! With her, but then she started to whine and they threw her over a bridge. Haha. The end._

_…or was it?_

_All of the twenty four children had loved their mother Serine to death (if you'll excuse the pun) and they decided to pull off a plan. DA-DA-DUM!_

_"I shall fetch the rope." Said number fifteen, despite the fact that nobody says 'shall' nowadays unless they are joking or a sixtysomething who was stuck in the past and still thought they were, haha, 'modern.'_

_"And I shall fetch the chainsaw." Said number twenty._

_"And I shall fetch the machete." Said number two._

_"and I shall fetch the ketchup." Said number ten._

_They snuck up on Harry and Draco when they were sleeping (separately, you perv) and decided to – DA-DA-DUM! – put them to death._

_But alas! The broccoli people were here, followed by a vindictive Ron and Hermione, who were here because a little bird had told them to, haha._

* * *

"Come onto the pathetically unattractive stage, Harry!" exclaimed Marigold.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	14. Death and Broken Time Turners

I'm sorry I can't write any reviewer replies because I'm VERY BUSY right now, but here are the thank-yous:

**Hipeoples001, J Daisy, jontie, elephantsrocmysox, The Miss Marauders, inuxkagfan, Mrs. Radcliffe 13, Ministry of Tragic, **and** RoxyLeo.**

**

* * *

If you haven't read the repost of the twelfth chapter after it was changed from an author's note to a real chapter then do so, please. :D**

* * *

Harry sat down.

"Doctor, Doctor." He said "I feel terrible."

"You're dead." Said the knowing Dr Marigold. "Of course you feel terrible."

"But you're not mad." Added Marigold kindly. "At least you don't brush your hair in front of a window naked, like that poor man Beethoven used to do."

"That's not mad!" said a voice in the audience. "I do that all the time."

"I'm a unicorn!" squeaked Harry suddenly and started jumping up and down on his chair, pencil to forehead.

"So are we!" squeaked the audience, and turned into mice and ran around on the floor, eventually eating up poor Dr Marigold.

"Hooray!" shouted Harry, and led the mice up a cliff, where they jumped off after each other like lemmings.

Hermione ran up to Harry, quite excited.

"Hey Harry, look what happens whenever I throw this time turner thing into the air!" she said, and threw it. It fell on the floor and broke.

"Whoops!" said Hermione. "Now we'll go back in time, meet your parents, have a fantastic mass orgy and I'll fall in love with Remus-whoops, Lupin I mean, - and you'll accidentally-on-purpose kill Snape and Pettigrew and we'll all live happily ever after."

Then they went back in time and fell in front of James, Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily.

"I'm your son!" shouted Harry in James' face.

James blinked, then waved a hand dismissively. "You can't be," he said. "You're too ugly."

"OMGOMGOMGOMG!" shrieked Lily. "You're my SON!"

She ran up to Harry and hugged him so hard that he suffocated to death, and died again.

"Whoopsies." Said Lily.

WRITER'SBLOCK WRITER'SBLOCK WRITER'SBLOCK WRITER'SBLOCK WRITER'SBLOCK WRITER'SBLOCK

Hermione was pregnant. Again.

"Who's the father?" asked Ginny.

"YOUUUUU!" screeched Hermione.

"Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum." Guffawed Ginny , growing chest hair and a beard and a little extra down there, and promptly ran off to the nearest brothel.

"GASP! SOB!" said Hermione. "I'm sad, I dunno why, but I'm sad."

She grieved for 0.03 seconds, gave birth, and ran away.

Ron came along.

"What's this?" he said, picking up the baby. "It looks like a human being, but it's too small!"

He christened it Elvis and threw it out the window, where it will be forgotten for the next two chapters.

Draco came along.

"I saw you throw a baby out the window." He said to Ron.

"Oh. It was a baby?" said Ron.

"DUH." Said Draco, and broke a time turner, thus enabling him to travel back in time.

He fell in front of James, Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily.

"I think I came back in time," said Draco, and fainted.

"My, there seems to be a lot of people dropping from the sky today," said Peter.

Everyone kicked him and ran away, because Peter was a looooser.

Draco woke up.

"GASP!" he said. "You're so…

_Beaooooootiful to meeee_

_Can't you seee? _

_You're everything I hope for_

_You're everything I need_

_You are so beauuuuutiful _

_To meeeheeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeee!"_

And they fell in love, because they were both looosers.

Harry walked up to them.

"I think I'm dead." He said.

"So do I," said Draco. "except I'm dead dead, which is the same as being dead only it's more dead, and dead means that you're more dead than being dead dead by dead dead dead is less dead than dead, and I think I'm dead dead dead dead now only that means I'm dead dead with some more dead."

They both died.

Everyone pretended to cry at the funeral.

"You will forever be in our thoughts. You leave with out respect and prayers. The end." Said Priest Marigold in his rat-bitten suit.

Everyone went home.

"I brought you a ring." Said Draco to Harry.

"Oh, goody." Said Harry. "One Ring to rule them all, eh?"

He jumped out of his coffin and conquered the world.

"I shall kill everybody!" he said.

"No, you shall not!" said a candlestick, and

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

A little question for my lovely reviewers:

It's a kind of personality quiz, okay? For each one, write down the first thing that comes into your mind. And be honest, please.

First, choose a color.

Then choose three words that describe that color.

Second, choose an animal.

Then choose three words that describe that animal (NOT what it looks like)

Third, choose a body of water (Example: _the Mississippi River, Atlantic ocean_.)  
Choose three words that describe it.

Lastly, imagine that you are in a white boxy room with no windows or doors. You are trapped in this room without any hope of getting out. Choose three words that describe what you feel like to be in this room. (example_, trapped_.)

Thanks a bunch!

Love,

-Sammi


	15. Dr Phil Again and Hungry Cannibals

Sorry for the horribly slow update, but I kinda lost heart with this story and then found it again, so that's alright.

Okay, the way the test worked was that the COLOR means what you think of yourself; the ANIMAL means what you think of other people; the BODY OF WATER means (hehe) what your sex life is like, and the EMPTY ROOM means what your death will be like for you.

So.

_RoxyLeo_: what you think of yourself: Sunny, firey, hot

What you think of other people: Graceful, powerful, tough

What your sex life is like: Silky, sandy, salty

What your death will be like: Scared, doomed, violent

_The Miss Marauders_: what you think of yourself: Fluffy, bright, warm.

What you think of other people: Pretty, fierce, dangerous.

What your sex life is like: Dirty, long, blue.

What your death will be like: Scared, claustrophobic, insane.

_J Daisy_: what you think of yourself: Bright. Burnt. Cheese.

What you think of other people: Dynamite. Super. MAD SKILLZ.

What your sex life is like: M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Narrow. Lanky.

What your death will be like: Worried. Bouncy. Confused.

_Mrs. Radcliffe 13:_ you think of yourself: fast, bright, and happy

What your death will be like: cardboard, polka dotted, and fragile

_Elephantsrocmysox_: you think of yourself: pretty, shiny, sparkly

What you think of other people: cute, strong, memory

What your sex life is like: blue, cold, big

What your death will be like: Depressed, angry, cabin-fever

_Inuxkagfan_: you think of yourself: blood-rose-shirt

What you think of other people: playful-loud-sweet

What your sex life is like: wet-dangerous-loud

What your death will be like: Claustrophobic-Frustrated-Paniced

_Spymaster E_: okay, so you didn't get to this quiz yet, but THANK YOU very much for writing all those reviews, for me; they really made my day, and I have seriously never received such a good compliment as 'You have redefined randomness.' I'm not sure if I'm a saint, people refer to me as 'that girl that's fun to scare,' but thanks A BUNCH anyways. :D

_BrokenPorcelainDoll_: you think of yourself: white, snow, glaring

What you think of other people: puffy, round, bouncy

What your sex life is like: Big, blue, deep

What your death will be like: claustrophobic, scared, confused.

* * *

**If ya got a strange answer then you didn't play by the rules –wags finger- I told you not to describe the look of the thing you chose! Anyhoo here is the chapter : **

* * *

"And today's guest iiiis…" said Dr Marigold, "PETER PETTIGREW!"

Everybody booed.

"Well then, Peter," said Dr Marigold. "What happened to you to make you come here?"

Peter sniffed. "E…everyb..body k…keeps i…i..interrupting me –"

"BOOO!" said the audience.

Peter burst into tears. "And..and… they…they ke..keep c..calling m,..m..m..e nam-"

"SKEET SKEET SKEET" said Dr Marigold into the microphone.

Peter burst into tears. "An…and…they ne…never… ev…ever try to-"

"SKEET SKEET SKEET" said Dr Marigold.

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!" screamed Peter, thrust out a machine gun and killed the audience.

"GASP!" said Dr Marigold.

Ginny ran into the room. "I can't find my daisy!" she sobbed. "I've looked EVERYWHERE for it and it just isn't THERE and…and…"

Harry ran into the room. "I am dead," he said in a dull, flat voice. "I am dead, as you can see, because I'm saying that I'm dead, but because being dead is characterized as not speaking I'm really not dead, but I'm saying that I'm dead because I'm dead, and dead is not talking but I am, I'm talking about being dead and I'm still alive but I'm obviously dead."

He ran onto Marigold's lap and died.

Hermione ran into the room. "Mr Burns! Mr Burns!" she shrieked.

Draco ran into the room. "The studio's burning! The studio's burning!" he cried.

Neville ran into the room. "I'm burning! I'm burning!" he cried.

"Which one should we trust?" said Dr Marigold to Pettigrew.

"NEVILLE!" said Pettigrew, ran up to him and immediately started burning.

"GASP!" said someone dead in the audience. "the studio is on fire!"

Everybody ran out except for Marigold, who was still burdened with Harry's body.

"HELP ME!" he cried, but nobody was there to listen.

Marigold fell asleep with the flames surrounding him. Suddenly, he started to sleepwalk, carrying Harry's dead body in his arms. He made it out of the building and everyone saw him.

"OMIGOD!" said someone dead previously in the audience. "He's rescued Harry's dead body! He's a HERO!"

They paraded him on their shoulders, despite the fact that he was still sleeping and threw Harry's body into the fire because his hair had been burning and it smelled very nasty.

Ginny ran out of the burning studio with a dead cat in her arms. She obviously had been sleepwalking.

"OMIGOD!" said someone dead previously in the audience. "She's saved a dead cat! She's even more of a hero than Marigold because saving animals from burning buildings looks more heroic than saving people from burning buildings! She's a HERO!"

They threw Marigold into the flames and paraded Ginny on their shoulders.

Ginny woke up.

"Where's my daisy?" she said.

"Here's your daisy!" said a sheep, and bit off her head.

"We are cannibals!" said the previous audience and promptly commenced to eat.

* * *

Strange note to end on I know, but still REVIEW and look forward to the next chapter people! Thanks for reading! 


	16. NOTICE: READ BEFORE PROCEEDING TO CHP2

I'm really, really sorry this had to happen. I'm just not interested in writing fanfiction that much anymore and nearly all of my inspiration has just flown out the window. I'm going to delete all of my stories except for the oneshots, write one more story (DHr) and then disappear.

I'll always remember the good times

loff, Sammi 


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